Are You Missing YOUR Panties?

I don't mean to be forward - and I certainly don't mean to be rude.

But if you DO happen to be missing your panties, I may be able to help.

According to a story in my newspaper today, some 1700 panties have turned up along a country road about 30 miles to my southeast.

A local news station says the figure might be as high as 3000.

Until dedicated investigators release a precise count, suffice it to say at this point that we're talking about a lot of panties.

So, if you just happen to be missing yours AND they continue to be missing after a thorough search of your house, car, and place of employment, you might want to contact the Fairfield County sheriff's department and see if they've been taken into protective custody.

Apparently a wide variety of colors and patterns have now been successfully apprehended without a struggle, so be sure to be prepared to give as precise a description of yours as possible when you call lest you have your hopes raised inappropriately or (horror of horrors!) you accidentally end up with someone else's.

Of course if you happen to have a photo of your missing panties you should turn it over to the proper authorities as soon as possible. Not only will this make their job easier, it will also save you the trouble of having to pick your panties out of a line up.

In the meantime, try not to think about the rough fabrics, skewed stripes, and obnoxious polka dots your poor panties might be having to co-exist with in the extremely cramped and poorly ventilated quarters of a rural Ohio evidence room.

And maybe before another day goes by you'll finally make the time to do what my loved ones and I just did and sew a few identifying microchips into whatever panties you might still have in your possession.