Saturday, December 25, 2010

Still Waiting For Santa

Was Santa good to you this year?

Did he stop by your home?

Did he bring you something special?

I hope so.

I'm still sitting here waiting for him myself.

Just as I've been waiting for the last 40 years or so.

Do you think I might have better luck if I wasn't waiting for him with a dart gun at the ready?

Oh, well. As nice as any visit from Santa may have been to contemplate when I was a child, I'm afraid that nothing less than a properly darted and bagged Santa will satisfy me now.

I have a lot of questions for the Jolly Old Elf, you see, and at this point I'm far less interested in having my stocking stuffed than I am in getting a few answers.

Here are some of the questions I have in mind. If you see Santa before I do, please share them with him:

Question #1: Is habitual jolliness more a symptom of mental disability or simple ignorance? Since Santa allegedly knows all and sees all, simple ignorance doesn't seem very likely, but it's much more comforting to imagine than a man with a mental disability slipping into my home while I sleep. Perhaps Santa is merely being callous when he Ho-Ho-Ho's his way through a season about as plagued with violence, natural disasters, and heartache as any other? Perhaps human suffering actually increases his jollity?? Let's hope not! But we just won't know unless he finally submits to a proper psychiatric examination, will we?

Question #2: Santa allegedly knows who's been naughty and who's been nice - but what exactly is his definition of naughty? What exactly, in his opinion, constitutes nice? These are pretty vague terms that philosophers and lawyers alike could twist into meaning almost anything they might like. Until Santa indicates precisely what *he* means when he uses these terms and why, I'm afraid we're all left stumbling in the dark as we go through the year hoping for the best. (If Santa continues to refuse to properly define his terms, perhaps it's time for the government to start regulating him as well as all other freelance moral judges.)

Question #3: If Santa does indeed know enough about everyone to render sound moral judgments, certainly he also knows where everyone is - right? So why has he been keeping Osama bin Laden's location secret for the last decade? Isn't that a pretty naughty thing to do by virtually everyone's understanding of the term? If Santa doesn't willingly divulge this information to the proper authorities within the next 60 days, why shouldn't he be subpoenaed and forced to divulge this information under threat of fine and/or imprisonment?

Question #4: Is Santa's habit of leaving socks under our trees a sick little joke or what? I mean, really - has anyone in the history of the world been thrilled to open up a gaily wrapped package and find SOCKS? (Honestly, it's almost as if Santa is secretly BEGGING for the government to step in and regulate his outrageous behavior.)

Question #5: Santa has had centuries to perfect the art of toy making. So why does he keep delivering banal stuff that holds the attention of kids for mere minutes? Why does he persist in handing out crap that breaks within days? I can't recall much of what I got when I was a kid; what I can recall vanished a long, long time ago. Is it too much to ask that he give everyone at least ONE great, durable toy that's capable of providing us with life-long pleasure?

Question #6: Ok, this is The Big One, so my plan is to inject Santa with a potent mixture of sugar plum extract and truth serum before asking it. And I plan on connecting him up to a polygraph machine, too - just so that I can have as much confidence in his answer as possible. The question is this: Why do rich kids find so many more cool gifts under their trees on Xmas morn than poor kids do? Are rich kids *really* that much nicer? Are poor kids that much naughtier? That hasn't been my experience. But if it had, I'd have to wonder if the poor kids who are always getting less cool stuff (or no stuff at all) year after year after year are naughty *because* they're deprived rather than intrinsically inferior and less deserving. If Santa really has the powers ascribed to him, I'd hope that he would help redress the material imbalances that plague human societies rather than make them worse. As it is... well, it pains me to say it, but... Santa seems to me to be the worst kind of conservative. You know - the type that votes for huge tax cuts for the wealthy while slashing aid to the old, the sick, and the homeless. (If it turns out that the Pentagon brass and their kids are getting some of the best gifts of anyone, why doesn't he just legally change him name to Santa Reagan or George W. Claus and end the ruse of being something he's not once and for all?)

I have other questions but it's getting pretty late in the day to squander any more time or energy on them. Best to clean, oil, and store away my dart gun for next year, then get back to normal life before I've wasted yet another Christmas Day on a guy who seems to always have the time to answer even the silliest questions of the millions of children he invites up on his lap but never has a second to spare for even one investigative journalist offering cash, booze, and a hooker in exchange for a brief interview.

*Checking Amazon to see if Rudolph has written his tell-all memoirs yet*


  1. Bahahahah! Your posts are a delicious mix of satire and rationality. I can't get enough of your tongue-in-cheek writing! Hope you had a great day!

  2. It IS very naughty to be poor. Santa is visiting the sins of the parents on the children, which is very Biblical.
    As for the location of bin Laden, Arabs don't believe in Santa. Maybe there is a magical nomad with a carpet pulled by flying camels who knows how to find Osama.

  3. Strange but true, I'm pretty sure that dissecting the Santa mythaphor within my childish mind actually helped prepare me for the gradual dissection of the Jesus Christ myth, as well. I'm not quite sure why it doesn't work this way for everyone, but... well, neuroscience hasn't come up with all the answers at yet. Give 'em time, though..... Meanwhile, I think that rather than spending time debunking old Clausy Paws, we can better serve poor kids by buying them some toys and distributing them to parents via a secular organization, eh, wot?